Some days, I have no patience

Waking up on the wrong side of the bed is annoying as hell, and not just to the waker-upper.  When you have no patience with people and you have to interact with others, the peevish, pissy, and pedantic behaviors come out in full force.

• Everyone is a lot stupider all of a sudden
• Nobody knows how to do things the right way
• Friends are too cloying, close, and getting in your business
• Friends are too distant, ignoring you when you need them
• Let's not even talk about politicians

Shouldn't come as any surprise that loss of patience can be a symptom of depression.  Like most symptoms, however, this one doesn't seem abnormal when you're suffering from it.  That guy really did complain about his cappuccino being "too light" when he obviously should have ordered a latte if he wanted a lot of steamed milk.  The woman laughing at every joke your best friend tells is obviously flirting with him and he is being a complete idiot by paying attention to her.  Obama just doesn't get it about [fill in the blank].  It's all quite reasonable as it's happening.

Patience is a virtue, and a hard-earned one at that.  On days like these, no one seems to deserve it, but look out for warning signs that it's more about you than them:

• Rolling your eyes at a remark (even if you only think about rolling them)
• Interrupting someone because you already know what they're going to say and they shouldn't waste their breath
• Yelling at another driver in traffic
• Yelling at another driver when you're the passenger
• Noticing how rude or stupid that person was and really wanting to say something

If you've done anything like that or similar three times in the past hour, consider taking some time away from people.  You're getting rubbed the wrong way and you're probably doing the same to them, and it's not fair to any of you.  Smoke a cigarette if you're still addicted, meditate, go for a walk . . . just get away, break the pattern, and don't get sucked into choking the living crap out of that bastard who so desperately needs it.

The Dangerous Law of Attraction

If you've seen the widespread movie The Secret, or you're a practitioner of magic(k), or you have really optimistic friends, you've probably heard about the law of attraction. What you think about, it says, is what you draw into your life.

This tends to work really well for your optimistic friends, who constantly brood over their fulfilling relationships, dwell on their prosperity, and languish in their joy. Not so easy if there's a festering, stinking black cloud worming its way into your soul, though.

This law certainly must work, because it doesn't discriminate. It rewards the positive thinker and punishes the pessimist. Suffering from depression makes this one a real kick in the jimmy, too, since thought=pain already; just realizing that your own negative thoughts could be drawing to you things that reinforce and justify themselves can make a person sink even deeper into the hole - why bother trying?

Break the Blame Cycle
Teaching depressed people about the law of attraction is a great idea - when they're not depressed. It may make them less likely to slip back in, if they can master the thoughts that keep them from the pit. But that's not how it works when the disease is making headway. If you're depressed and dwelling on how negative thoughts create a negative life, it's going to balloon out of control faster than you can imagine.

Don't stop and dwell on how the universe punishes you for suffering - put the brakes on that runaway train right now. Won't do you any good. If the law of attraction is keeping you down, first thing to do is ignore the law of attraction.

Here's what you get if you are depressed and think about the law of attraction:

• Blaming the Universe for your problems
• Blaming God for your problems
• Blaming yourself for your problems

None of the blame solves anything, and it really doesn't matter why depression is happening anyway. There will be time to think about attracting things into your life when you have some positive thoughts. For now, you need to shove that idea out of your mind the way New Yorkers ignore a homeless person on the street.

Time Enough for Attraction Later
It should be clear that I consider depression to be a crafty opponent, one that's inside your head and whispering things to you that make you sink deeper into the pit. Everyone has to judge for themselves, but at the darkest hour I don't think you'll see a lot of success trying to think positive thoughts. There will be time to use the law of attraction later, once you're out of the current hole.

It should be possible, though, to change the subject of that conversation in your head. Don't think about (fill in the bad idea here) right now. Make up a shopping list or walk up and down the stairs ten times. Make a phone call or pet the cat. Anything to distract yourself from that one thought, just for now.

Small Steps
A big part of depression is being overwhelmed by the big picture. No big picture allowed here! Just stop thinking one negative thought by thinking about something neutral. There will be time for more another day. For now, setting aside that shovel with which you're digging that hole, just for a moment, should be enough.

Thought Becomes Deed

I arrived at the diner and pulled my keys from the ignition with the same motion that had turned the vehicle off. As I slid out of the seat I slipped my hand into my pocket, confirming that my wallet was within. It wasn't.

I checked my other pockets, and then the spare pair of pants I had in my bag - although I hadn't worn them. I opened the glove compartment, checked under and behind the seats, and in all the pockets of my bag. The wallet just wasn't there.

Panic rose in my throat. Had I left it at work? Work was half an hour's drive, and closed for the night. Further, this was Sunday night, so they wouldn't be open again until Friday. It would really have been problematic if I had left my wallet there.

I took a breath, released it slowly. No, I decided, you left your wallet on the desk at home. I smiled, and grabbed the ten dollar bill I had discovered when I had been searching, and brought it with me. I had to be careful how much I ordered, but it was a fun time with my coworkers.

I found my wallet on my desk the next morning - it was half buried in a small pile of papers.

What am I getting at here, anyway?

Self-Care Options

This article reinforces my position on the paradox of depression: you aren't going to get better if you can't learn to do it yourself, but depression keeps you from believing that this is possible. Drugs and therapy can be important tools for recovery, but neither of them will succeed without your help, and neither of them should be considered for a lifetime. If you plan for a day when you won't need them you're much more likely to reach that day.

Either of those treatment options may give you the needed push to get to a point where you can do something for yourself, crawl just far enough out of your own personal pit that you can take at least a small amount of responsibility for your own recovery. If they can't get you to that level, and you aren't functional enough to make it there without further help, you should find that help. Never forget that the worst symptom you have is the belief that you are going to stay this way, that nothing you do can change it, that it's pointless to even try. Don't give in to that crap, because if you expect the worst you're rarely disappointed. Do you have anything to lose by trying for more? Can it really get worse than it is? Really?

Some thoughts on the five suggestions given:

• Keep Active: yep, I've mentioned how important even a little bit of exercise can be. Don't want to get out of bed? Consider having a friend drag you out if necessary.
• Eat well. A well-balanced eating strategy will help you feel better now and later. Good thought. I've had comments here from depression victims that eat like crap, and it shows in the writing that they're just making things worse. Your body needs good fuel to do a good job.
• Get adequate sleep. I would modify this to say, "Get appropriate sleep." Insomnia is a symptom of depression, but I was more prone to the fourteen-to-sixteen-hour power nap. I psychiatrist I knew said that the best way to regulate sleep is to get up at the same time, every day, without fail. Your body will take care of the rest.
• Control stress. Coping with depression is stressful enough, so try to limit other sources of stress. And depression does a marvelous job of amplifying the other stress, doesn't it?
• Stay connected. Make relationships a priority. Social ties give you a sense of purpose and meaning in life. I can't emphasize this more. You need to be around people, even if you don't feel like it, because even if you believe you're alone in a crowd it is better than being alone alone. Do it even if you don't want to.
  

Fun and Games

My post on gifts for a depressed person has been really well-received, so I know I hit a nerve there. I thought I would follow up with some talk about board games, why you should buy them, give them, and play them.

Board games are a really wonderful way to bond with other people, even people with which you (think you) don't have anything in common. As an angry young teenager I would willingly play Trivial Pursuit with all sorts of people that I thought were absolutely horrible, even my parents. I learned that Dad, even though he was a complete idiot, was really pretty smart, and so was my brother-in-law and even my grandmother. Better still, I learned that I was pretty smart, too.

Board games depend somewhat on chance, so there's a good possibility of doing well even if your heart isn't in it. I think the games that require teams are best, because you reinforce belonging as well as accomplishment. Team board games are also especially good at bringing people together across age barriers.

Win or lose you generally have fine in spite of yourself. If your team loses and you, the depression victim, tries to blame yourself, the fun of the game usually trumps the desire to win and you find that your teammates won't let you blame yourself. Now if you are friends with a serious competition junkie and poor sportsman, this won't be the case. We can talk about self-esteem and destructive relationships another time, however. I'm talking about normal human beings here.

If you're still at a loss for how to spend your holiday budget, I think a good board game like Apples to Apples should appear beneath your tree, or wherever your gifts are stored until opening time.

Memory Loss

If being depressed isn't enough with the lousy attitude, lack of desire to act, and complete disinterest in doing just about anything, a lot of victims have to deal with memory loss as well. It came to my attention just last night that a lot of people aren't aware of this complication from depression; perhaps they're just forgetting? What a sick and twisted thing to have happen . . . a symptom that prevents itself from being noticed!

I found a study on depression and anxiety for starters, so I was quickly able to confirm that there has been research in this area. It's interesting that the study found that while anxiety alone does not have an effect on memory, it can significantly compound with depression. It suggests that other studies that did not control for anxiety levels were frustrating to analyze.

I then discovered that there is a newsletter devoted to memory loss, and they had a wonderful article specifically addressing memory loss and depression a few years back. Salient points include:

• Memory loss, like motivation and focus, are likely affected by the levels of neurotransmitters in the brain.
• The mind filters memory to match mood; depressed people are much more likely to remember times when they're sad than they are to recall happy experiences. "It also reinforces the person's drab and negative view of life, fueling the depression."
• Long term memories are not actually being lost so much as they are never forming at all due to the lack of focus and attention.
  
• Treatment of the depression alleviates the memory problems.
  

I'm able to wrap my mind around the memory loss more comfortably now. Essentially, depression victims aren't able to pay enough attention to form as many memories, and the depression filters those so that the ones that reinforce the disease come more easily to mind. It's one more way that this disease becomes invisible, comfortable, and usual in the mind of its victims.

Goal for today: write down a good thing as soon as it happens. Many treatments suggest some sort of journal; if you want to make this part of one then by all means go ahead. If not in a journal, put it someplace you will see it, like on your refrigerator. You're experiencing happiness despite your depression, and you deserve to know about it.

Giving Perspective

One of the ways that depression works to gain control of a person's life is to instill a perception of changelessness. You always felt this way; it's not a disease so much as it is who you are. Nobody ever cared and you should not waste anybody's time by telling them your problems. Happiness is not meant for your life. The dark cloud that surrounds a depression victim makes it impossible to see things that are positive, helpful, promising.

Now comes a tool from the Families for Depression Awareness that can help remove that metaphorical blindness. It allows a victim to see progress that is made in treatment by carefully tracking it. It's a simple concept but a very important one. It breaks that perception that nothing has ever changed and nothing ever will change by showing, in the victim's own words, what things were like yesterday, last week, last month.

By involving family it also helps break down the belief that you're alone in this journey. Solitude is depression's friend, and it withers if you convince the victim that they are not alone. Mind you it takes a consistent effort to make that point, and even minor setbacks can bring you all the way to Square One, but this tool is a good way to involve the people that care about the victim and help them reinforce that fact.

Gift For a Depressed Person

Holidays can be a very difficult time for the victim of depression. As I've discussed in the last post, it is very easy for well-intentioned holiday activities to completely overwhelm the depressed person. If you know someone who's depressed (some warning signs can be found here if you're not sure), you might want to prepare a gift that takes their disease into consideration. Here are some ideas:

Presence, not presents: present them with an invitation or a certificate that requests that they spend the holiday or a specific time with you. Make it quite clear that no gifts will be exchanged, no food is to be prepared, and nothing special is required. If they tell you, "I'm afraid I won't be very good company," tell them, "That may be true, but I will be." If you sincerely care about this person and are willing to see who dwells beneath the cloud of gloom that their disease has helped them make for themselves, this may be the best gift you could give. If you and they are lucky, they will be able to tell you it made them happy. If not, trust that it did.

Focus on the positive: Put together a photo album, a slide show on a CD, or a letter or scrapbook that centers on positive things you have shared. A well-depressed person doesn't see themselves as having any value, and this kind of effort serves to remind them of things they've almost certainly forgotten. Depression can cause memory loss, and you can bet that the good ones go first. This is a gift that will be cherished.

Ask for help: This may or may not work, depending on the level of the depression. My mother has suffered from depression on and off for most of my life. The holidays have always been important to her, and I knew that being at a loss for things to suggest to her for gift ideas wouldn't sit well with her. Since I didn't have any wants particularly, I requested that she create a needlework piece for me. Mom has always been an avid needlework artist, ranging from knitting to crewel to embroidery to counted cross stitch. Her hands knew what to do even though her mind didn't see the point, so the act of creation served as a reminder of the value she held to me.

Bright Blessings: If you share a religious belief with the victim, or at the very least he or she isn't a diehard atheist, offering a tangible blessing may be helpful. Depressed people have very often lost their faith, and cannot pray for themselves, even if they know that prayer is a very important part of their ability to overcome the disease. Give them a promise, one you intend to keep, that you will pray for them daily or weekly for a set amount of time. Put it in writing. As an alternative, find an appropriate candle and either bless it yourself or have it blessed by someone who has taken religious orders or their equivalent. Specifically focus the blessing on light, be it the Light of Jesus or the return of the sun or the oil that burned for eight days, or whatever makes sense in your tradition. Tell them to burn the candle at their lowest point in the day.